"My testimony"

My name is Walter Taylor, also known as Chris & Kentucky, the State I came from. This is my testimony on how a 20-year-year old boy came to the city just to become a pimp, a murderer, and then sentenced 30-to-life. Now after 44 years behind these walls of broken dreams inside the Devil's Playground, I'm now able to share my story. But first, let's take a look at what would make a man commit such an evil crime. What kind of animal would use, abuse and even commit murder? These were the same questions I've asked myself for years. I refuse to blame my actions on my parents, community or society. No! I take full responsibility for what I've done. I chose that kind of lifestyle and I blame no one but myself.

For years I've wondered how a criminal like myself could ever be redeemed and become a better man after the sinful act I had committed. I wondered if there was such a thing as redemption at all. At one time I was told I could find forgiveness in God, but I couldn't help but to wonder, where was God when I committed my crime. Why didn't He hear the cries of the poor person whose death I caused? Then I asked myself, who did the family turn to for answers? How many times did they cry out and ask, "Why God did you allow this to happen?"

I found no answers, so I avoided God thinking there was no answer. So, I search to find the answer within myself, and then searched for God. You see, one thing I did know, was that I wore a thousand masks, and I was afraid to lay them aside, but now one of those masks were real to me. I learned like so many men how to master the art of pretending, an art that had become second nature to me. When I was doing the devil's work, outwardly I was confident but that was no more than a mask I wore as well. Nothing behind that mask was real. Beneath it I was confused, afraid, sick, alone, and a coward, although like so many other concealed it well.

If someone shown the slightest awareness of my weakness it threw me into a panic, and I raged out against them for fear that my secret had been revealed. Yet, the revealing was my salvation. I knew it, and yet wasn't able to face the evil within myself. I needed others to help me. I needed them even If I lashed out with rage. My lashing out was my cry for help. I realize this kind of facing reality is hard for many to accept. But for me to change I knew I had to accept it.

I wanted and needed to become human and only by tearing down these walls and uncovering those masks that I hid behind was I able to become a child of God. It's crazy, and yet it's the truth, coming to prison didn't just punish me for my crime, coming to prison saved me from committing other crimes against other good people. Coming to prison enabled me to find myself and God's love. It rescued me from my image, dread, insecurity, sickness and separation from God. Prison forced me to look at myself. I was forced to come face to face with the evil within. Each night when those gates slammed shut behind me, I was forced over and over to listen to the voices of those I never had listened to before, those voices that had my best interest at heart, my family, wife, and most importantly the inner voice of God. Now I can't get them out of my head, and I was forced to make a choice to continue living as the animal I was, or to slay the beast within and start listening to those positive voices.

God gives us the choice to do what is right, and once we make that choice God and others are there to help us along the way, if only we allow them to.

It wasn't easy by any means. The devil didn't want to let me go and I found myself facing many trials and tribulations. But I refused to give up. I waged a war against myself, and the devil. I came very close to losing what little sanity I had left.

But the goodness deep within me refused to give up as I fought day by day to change and become a better man and a child of God.

I've said all of this so you would understand that the battle I waged against myself, and the devil was by no means an easy one. It took me 25 years of pain and suffering to finally wake up and say, "Enough Is Enough," and then be able to look into the mirror and not become sick to my stomach at what was looking back at me. After I removed all the hidden masks, I was able to introduce myself to the real me and open new doors to a whole new world within myself and view it through different eyes.

Yes, coming to know myself was good, but coming to know God was even GREATER! I now know that it was He who stood by me when I thought I was all alone. It was God who pushed me to change and become the nan I was born to be. Also, it was God who healed me and became a cancer survivor. God gave me a wonderful wife who stood by my side for 38 years faithfully, even when I treated her badly. Still, it was her love and faith in God that enabled us to make it.

God used me to help other men find who they really were through education therapeutic programs and learning how to take responsibility for their behaviors. then slowly I was able to help some of them find their way to God.

You see, many kids today are confused and need someone to help them. They know they are lost but refuse to ask for help. Yet, by knowing that I was just like them at one time and was able to find myself and God, then they too can listen and open themselves up. Once that happens, they would let God into their hears and change their lives. But it's a one, two step and none of them can be forced, I learned the hard way.

It shouldn't take a person 40 or more years in prison to find God. They can do it anytime...God Bless you...

Walter Ray Taylor Jr. AKA "Chris"

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